journal

24/09/23

So I made a wish last night that I would get my answer to something that was destroying my mentality.

Someone helped me understand what the answer was.

I was thinking I destroyed something or I had hurt someone, and I just wanted to know or get an answer if that was it. I think I finally figured out what the answer is.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong in the first place.

It was just me overthinking.

I don't know why, but I feel better now. I'm not anxious or upset anymore.

I actually smiled for once in a while, a genuine smile.

I'm finally feeling better again.

I am...happy. Not saying this lightly, I'm actually happy for once. I'm planning on taking a little bit to recuperate before I resume talking to the people I haven't seen for a while. Maybe I might be lucky enough to see them again.

That sounds nice...

...

So anyways, I thought I'd make this for myself in the future so I can remember a time when I actually was happy again. I think that is a good idea.

I'm forever grateful for my friend helping me, if it weren't for them I would still be going insane, probably do something worse. That didn't happen though and I feel happy.

This is a short entry since I just want to get back to what I love doing, while also feeling this sense of happiness for a little while longer. It's currently 9:20pm as of typing this. To anyone reading, sleep well and have a good night.

♥

23/09/23

So this week has been...pretty shit. I'll start off with why, on Monday I was not having a good time mentally wise, my head was spinning and I was having frequent on and off panic attacks, and then I got a massive headache. It got so bad that I had to take 4 Tylenol in one day, which is 2x the amount you should take in one day since each one of those tablets is 400mg. Tuesday comes around, and I have a test in the morning, I was trying to study for it all day the previous day but it was hard to do it when mental stress is killing your mood. I tried my best to do what I could answer and went on with my day. I didn't want to think about anything all Tuesday, but I knew I had to go back around 3pm to go back to classes for a while. I just felt bed ridden since I had no energy to do anything, that day goes by just like any other day when I have to work or go to classes.

Wednesday comes around and I get my test score for Math, I passed with a really good grade, I was happy that I got something good for the whole week. Of course, life didn't want me to be happy. Sure enough, I wanted to do some work with my server which is where most of my work is done. When I was just going to work on some Virtual Machine maintenance (I host all my stuff on Proxmox) something went wrong with the drive array since most of my V.M.'s were striped together with a RAID 0 configuration. When I went to do a backup just in case if anything when wrong, as it turns out my drive array was fucked from the beginning, cause I screwed up not actually thinking about safety and backups and just wanting performance. I tried to get my VM's backed up before I would try restarting, I saw that all were backed up and I moved them to another drive for safety and restarted the server. I went to the iLO configuration tool and used the dedicated hardware RAID to see if I could repair the configuration, I couldn't obviously. So I had to redo the drive array entirely and start from the ground up, “no big deal.” I thought. I reinstalled Proxmox, got the VM's ready and just needed to get the VirtIO blocks setup, but since I thought the VM's would be fine...2 of the 5 vm's were corrupted were corrupted from a bad backup...and it had to be the main web server and the cloud server. Just my fucking luck. So I couldn't fix it with any traditional backup software since the data block was so big, around 600GB, its essentially impossible for me to fix it since the data is too corrupt. I managed to get the other 3 VM's to work even though it was just a fediverse instance and a minecraft server. Now though, everything that I worked on is gone rtc v0.8 (image server I wrote back in 2018 and redid earlier this year) is gone for good, all my websites and custom JS scripts, and all my photos and videos I had saved on the cloud server dating back to 2016.

Then Thursday came around. I was already mentally destroyed, I just wanted the day to be over so I could just go home and just cry, there were some good and bad things that happened that day. Then I finally got home, and I could just relax for once. My stress was at an all time high, I don't even know what I can do at this point. I think I'll just have to accept the loss and just get everything back to how it was, somewhat at the very least.

Yesterday was nice actually, I wasn't stressed and I actually had a nice time.

Today, is okay so far. I'm just writing this and not being upset at something, its calming actually. I think right now I'm just going to breathe and take it easy since I have work to do tomorrow and I really shouldn't stress about it all that much. I just wanted to make this since I haven't posted hardly anything since August 15th.

I'll try to post more again, I just hadn't thought of anything to talk about for a while and I had nothing to say. For the most part, I figured I'd talk about my life for a little bit. I will switch up what I talk about here and there, for now though. I'll just try to be happy for a day, and not deal with my sadness and my shitty week. I think I can do that at the very least.

This time I will think more about what needs to be safe and what I need to do better. For now, I'm gonna go clean my house since it is rather dirty.

Until next time